"I will be sharing my story about losing my fight to be perfect to winning the fight to just be me.
I grew up with a normal life and a great family, lived in a good area of town, and always went to church. I still feel so “stupid” at times talking about my struggles because I had it so good.
I put a lot of pressure on myself, especially as I got into high school. I tried to look perfect. At times I would take weight loss pills, even on top of my daily workouts. I always did my makeup and hair. I wanted to be attractive and look like the girls that guys would swoon over in the movies, magazines, and on those damn Victoria's Secret ads.
I put pressure on myself in sports even more so. My brother was such a superstar. He was always in the spotlight in whatever he did. My parents praised his high accomplishment’s and I had to look up to him as his older sister. I felt like a joke at times. I played soccer my entire life. I was always one of the best on the team.
As I got into high school however, this was not the case. I pushed myself physically, stayed after practice to work more, even tried a travel league for a year (same results). I just could not get to the same level in my skills as everyone else.
Some might say I was wearing a mask, but I feel like I just always tried to make the best of a situation, so I would feel like crap as little as possible. I turned into the “weird” girl because I would always try to make jokes and be goofy so I would not lose all enjoyment out of a sport I loved.
My junior year, we went to the championship. It was great for my team, but for some reason made it so much worse for me. My junior year was when I started to really have problems. On top of my failure in my sport, my best friend in school would not talk to me. She found another friend. I was so lonely, had no one to talk to, and was just so angry with myself. This perfection that I was striving for was smacking me in the face.
On my way home from practices (I walked home), I would sob, and with tears streaming down my face I would act out in anger. Sometimes I would kick the ground, sometimes I would lay down and hit the ground or myself at times, and this is so hard to say, I would scratch myself, not too bad, but I wanted to hurt myself, I wasn’t good enough, and I was too “coward” to do anything worse.
This went off and on for about a year. I decided not to play soccer my senior year. My mom said I would regret it, but she did not know everything I was feeling. I was too afraid to tell her. Afraid she would be ashamed, think it was her fault, or not treat me the same. I couldn’t bare it. That next year, things started to get more normal again. I didn’t have as much pressure on me. I was starting to embrace who I was, good and bad, and focus on the things that make me happy.
Once I got in college, it was new and exciting. I did not have the same pressures as I did when I was at home. I put a lot of my energy into school, making friends, and working out. This was my best outlet. If something was bothering me, I would go on a run. If I didn’t want to feel a void of being alone, I would work out. I use to work out an unhealthy amount. Sometimes I would spend 3-4 hours in the gym my first year, but it helped.
Then I found my husband! He helped me to be a more well-rounded individual. He taught me to be more thoughtful with my decisions (he even taught me how to be on time tehe). I knew as soon as we started dating that he was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
This did however bring a new set of challenges. I wanted his attention, his time, his praise. The college parties his roommates and him threw were VERY hard on me. I felt like I was constantly comparing myself to other, more fun girls there. I would get forgotten about. I was getting way to needy, and I didn’t like it, and neither did he. I was afraid of losing him. I was afraid to talk about all of the deep stuff with him. It is hard for a lot of people to understand all of the little quirks that I have. I could never fully talk to my husband, or have him understand, until one of the lowest points in my life.
We were on a trip for his friend’s wedding. Of course I wanted to tag along. He was in the wedding party, so he was going off and doing stuff with the guys, and I was left in the hotel room alone; I have always hated being alone. I didn’t know what to do. (I get depressed and have anxiety when I am alone). The night before the wedding they were gone almost all day. I could feel myself starting to lose it. I went on a run and nothing could make me feel like normal. I just kept getting so angry at myself for feeling that way and so selfish.
I got back in the room and kicked a hole in the wall. This made me even angrier and embarrassed at myself and I did it. I scratched myself so hard, I was bleeding. I was very quiet when the guys came back and I just went to bed right away. The next day, my husband saw the big marks on my arm. That’s when we had one of the hardest and scariest conversations I’ve ever had.
I talked about a lot of the things I am saying now. I felt sick and afraid. The rest of that weekend was very awkward. Neither of us really knew what to say. In my mind, it is by the grace of God that he stayed with me. I promised to him that I would never do it again. I still was however very angry with myself. There was a point where I was crying at least once a day for 3 or 4 weeks straight. At that point, I went to the doctor and talked to him about how I felt upset, angry, and sad all the time and went on medicine for a little over a year.
I am happy to say I am not taking medicine anymore. I know I have someone I can talk to, and I still use working out to help keep me grounded. I know my triggers now. I have learned more about what really makes me happy. I try to find the good in life and am not as critical about myself anymore. I have learned to love the messy, crazy ME."
"One word I would use to describe my story would be “Alone.” - First of all I hate being alone. This is where a lot of my depression/anxiety stemmed from. Also I want others like me to know they are not alone. There are many people that deal with similar circumstances and get through it. Also I want people to talk to someone about it so they are not going through it alone.
“Reflection” - It is rare to completely love who you are and what you see in the mirror. There are so many ideas of what perfect is supposed to be, and no one can be perfect. We need to look in the mirror and be happy with what we see and who we are. Without the makeup and without putting up a mask.
We need to really reflect on who we are, our quirks, what hurts us, and what makes us happy. Learn to deal with the hurts and stay away from them. Keep close to what makes you truly happy. Reflect on how to handle yourself when you are in the down times and reflect and take in those almost perfect moments.
The anger I found in myself with my imperfections and the things I could not control were storms in my life. It was like a tornado. I would start with a negative thought, then blow it out of proportion. It would bring up more negativity. I would feel depressed, anxiety would set in from not being good enough, shame, self-hate… it would all just spiral. But, the storm does not last forever. There might be some wreckage left behind, but after a while there can be so much sunshine and beauty.
If I gave someone advice going through a similar experience, I would say find someone you can talk to.
If you are too afraid to talk to a professional like I was/am, find someone you can trust in and that can keep you accountable. Learn about yourself and find your triggers and the best way to deal with those. Learn the good qualities about yourself that you can find joy in. Always remember, you have a full life ahead, if you feel very down at one point in your life, if you work at it, that will not be how you feel at the end of your life.
Life is full of ups and downs, get through the bad parts so you can see the sunshine and grace of God."
Hear the song inspired by their story: COMING SOON!